How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
