I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
