Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
