Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
