He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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