why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
