I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize