seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
