If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
