Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
