Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
