I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i out mim tonsoeep
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