there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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