1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
