You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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