the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
