Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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