My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
