Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
