I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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