if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
