i love accidental penises.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
