I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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