Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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