My cat gives me a boner
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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