i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
