So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
