I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize