it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
