Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
