I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
