she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
