Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
