i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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