my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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