I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
