I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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