We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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