Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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