I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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