Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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