Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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