brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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