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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
