Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have fence marks all over my body
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
