it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
