well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
