Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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