you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The beer is more important than you right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
