do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
