i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
