so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
