After last night, I could never be a politician.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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