They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
