fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
