Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
